Not everything in life is simple. Red Smed, however, is. And to prove it this blog has been set up to take you deep into his deranged socialist utopia where Lenin was quite a nice bloke, , Bridgwater has been renamed Parretgrad , every home has to display a portrait of Jake Thackray and Leeds United are at the top of the premier league.

Tuesday, 7 August 2018

We are Quite Literally All Going on a Summer Holiday

Many years ago, when the earth was young and the Czech Republic hadn't even been invented, we sent a jolly band of musicians off to discover the former Czechoslovakia. Which of course was at that time, the current Czechoslovakia. Which of course is now the Czech Republic. And Wales. 10 people went out, only 8 returned. 2 are still there. Good. But that was then. This is now. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Unless you're reading this on a Wednesday in which case, well work it out for yourself.

Brian 'Red Smed' Smedley explains to a TV crew why he WILL 
take a band to the Czech republic and nothing they say will stop him
In 1992 we toured Prague and Uherske Hradiste.

We scraped together a pop group. In much the same way Cliff Richard might have done.

Then we learnt some songs.

Then we got ourselves a bus.

Then we drove it across Europe having wacky adventures on the way.

Who can forget the teacake incident in Frankfurt, the 'oh no it's a canal' incident in Amsterdam and of course the running down an old lady in Liege court case.

Yes 2 of our members never came back. One  married a Czech policewoman and the other's a certified nutjob.

Twats

So now it's 2018 (checks watch) . Yes! And we're doing it again. We're off to see the wizard. Well, we're following the yellow brick road. Or the Autobahn 4 to Koln then A3 to Nurnburg then diverting slightly off towards Rozvadov and all points Czech. So we needed a band.

A Summer Holiday tribute wouldn't be worth it's weight in haddock if it didn't include lapsed catholic and lapsed communist Red Smed. The only surviving member from the original tour. Smed was a particularly hard task master and had them all shot. Red Smed has been described as 'a bit on the fat side', 'should learn to play the guitar a bit better' and 'speaks Czech like a Bulgarian'. On lead guitar ladies and gentleman its the Fat Bopper himself.

Click here to see why Red Smed is 'Too Fat to Rock'

A Bit Bonkers

Yvette, has music written all through her
Singing sensation Yvette Staelens has sung in choirs, close harmony folk ensembles and petrol stations the world over. The leader of the 'Voice of the People Community Choir' which has toured every single European country , and that includes Cornwall, Yvette has an onstage personality described as 'on stage'. Her Hammer horror tribute act 'the Tribe of Boris' was unfortunately accidentally invited to play last years Conservative party conference due to a misunderstanding and, sadly, exploded. Disappointingly no one was hurt.

Drummer Ted 'Ted' Franklin has played in every band in the wider Wiveliscombe area including many that have yet to be formed and several that were arrested after the first chorus. Ted's drum style has been described as 'a bit drummy'. As has his haircut. People will remember top British acts such as the Beatles, the Stones, the Who and Uncle Freds Lucky Tandem.  Ted remembers them too.

Milk

Dave, a milkman
The star of the show. And of any show where he's the only artiste performing, is Dave the Milkman. Dave -a milkman, has been delivering milk for 40 years man and boy. Depending on what he feels like each morning. Dave decided to call this band the Dave the Milkman Big Band as Czechs will probably have never heard of milkmen (nb - people who deliver milk to your house) and his vast knowledge of milk related anecdotes always go down well at a dinner table. Especially when Dave is dining alone. Dave is not just a milkman, although in England that's somewhere between Duke and Taxi Driver on the social scale, he's also a singer -guitarist who knows every song that Gilbert O Sullivan ever wrote. And thankfully has never played any of them.

Martin Lauer
is a Czech session bassist who has never met any of the above in his life but having recently returned from studying sand in Indonesia he found he had nothing left to live for. Tossing a coin one day he opted for giving music one more chance. A good choice as the second option, sticking a Kalashnikov in his mouth, would have probably not looked great at the local Job centre.

The 'Dave the Milkman Big Band' will be in the Czech Republic from 22nd-26 August and back in England 'pretty quickly' afterwards.....





Thursday, 28 December 2017

The Red Smed Snogbook (sic)

Click on the link to click on the link. And see what happens.
I

Special Bonus feature ;Red Smed at the Engine Room reading the CLASH DAY Proclamation twinning Bridgwater with  Seattle USA
 


Partisan Song continues at top as Red Smed once more tops his own hit parade

Totally non paintshopped photo of Red Smed as an actual Partisan
Yes it's 2017 but it won;t be for long. And it's that time of year when your girlfriend would rather watch 'Love Actually' than 'Zulu' so it's surely time to focus on that crucial question of how the Red Smed Hit Parade has been doing.

In there at Number 1 for the 10th year running is the Red Smed instrumental 'The Partisan Song' with 375,141 hits, legally defined as 'a twatload' and at number 2 it's , well, actually the whole top 10 are the same as ever. But...the good news, is there's a load of new songs up there in cyber space, so why not check out some of the other ones? Why not? There's a question.

Song
Artiste
Composer
2016
2017
Red Smed
Trad
323,867
375,141
Red Smed
Trad
5,739
6,226
Red Smed
Smedley
4,118
5,915
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley
1,762
2,009
Club Whoopee
Trad
1,177
1,440
Red Smed
Smedley
1,015
1,337
Red Smed
Smedley/Newman
929
1,045
Red Smed
Smedley
683
860
Red Smed
Smedley/Newman
570
801
Red Smed
Smedley/Kane
586
778
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley/Newton
534
710
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley
505
661
The Sedgemorons
Smedley/Beasley
155
650
Red Smed
Smedley
280
566
The Visitors
Bartlett
423
563
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley
356
467
Club Whoopee
Smedley/Newman
276
437
Club Whoopee
Trad
375
435
Red Smed
Smedley/Beasley/Fraser/Bruce
353
421
Red Smed
trad
300
416
Red Smed
Trad
262
386
The Spanners
Smedley/Vernon
268
366
Red Smed
Smedley
292
358
Red Smed
Smedley
253
333
Red Smed
Smedley/Beasley/Fraser/Bruce
230
322
The Sedgemorons
Smedley
212
303
Red Smed
Smedley
159
289
Drop Dead Darling
The Sedgemorons
Smedley/Kane

285
Red Smed
Smedley/Kane
173
282
Sin and Sodomy
Club Whoopee
Mander/Smedley

219
Rock n Roll is Pretty Exciting
Red Smed
Smedley/Beasley/Fraser/Bruce

216
Stalin was a really nice bloke
The Spanners
Smedley

206
Red Smed
Smedley
119
197
Red Smed
Smedley
107
188
Clever Students
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley

167
Rhapsody in Westover
Red Smed
Smedley

148
Internal Organs
Dangerous Brothers
Rude

144
I Hope you Die
The Funbunnies
Newman/Smedley

115
Sands of Morocco
The Visitors
Bartlett

109
Dave the Snooker Table
Sheep worrying Theatre
Smedley/Vernon

83
Bad Sir Bastard
Sheep Worrying Theatre
Smedley

71
We’ll be in love forever
Sheep Worrying Theatre
Smedley/Macausland

67
Dancing Shoes
Red Smed
Trad arr Smedley

53
Leon Trotsky
The Sedgemorons
Smedley

28
Smalltown
The Sedgemorons
Dixey/Smedley

26
Women only
The Sedgemorons
Dixey/Smedley

22
Rock n Roll is Pretty Exciting
The Sedgemorons
Smedley/Beasley/Fraser/Bruce

13