Not everything in life is simple. Red Smed, however, is. And to prove it this blog has been set up to take you deep into his deranged socialist utopia where Lenin was quite a nice bloke, , Bridgwater has been renamed Parretgrad , every home has to display a portrait of Jake Thackray and Leeds United are at the top of the premier league.

Thursday, 18 July 2019

Red Smed-Interview with a Rock Legend

Red Smed with Joe Strummer

Today is the last day of normality in Bridgwater before the town goes hamster dropping crazy with its ground-breaking. Quayside Festival. Ground-breaking largely in the sense that they’ve dug up Fore street in order to replace some street furniture there and haven’t quite finished it. One of the musicians performing at this years Quayside is town council leader and fat local communist Red Smed. We asked him if he knew any rock legends we could interview.  Sadly he didn’t. But he gave us this interview instead.

Red Smed has a cup of tea
Bernard; When did you first play music?
Red;- Well, I’d just had my bowl of muesli, I had some lovely almond milk on it and a drop of honey, I turned on radio 4 to listen to the shipping forecast, in case I ended up in some sea faring mishap later in the day and then I picked up my guitar and strummed the first few chords to that new Ramstein song then..
Bernard;- No, not when today, when actually did you first play….? Are you listening? And can you stop eating those crisps while you’re talking please.
Red;- I’d say it was in the mid 50s.
Bernard:- But you weren’t even born then.
Red;- I went to catholic school
Bernard;- I’m sorry, I should have realised.
Red; Would you like a doughnut?
Bernard;- No. Now we’re looking for some famous musicians to interview.
Red; What about me?
Bernard; Yes exactly. Do you know any famous musicians we could interview??
Red;- I did play at the last gigs played by Joe Strummer and also Fred Wedlock. Icons of the punk scene.
Red Smed looks for something
Bernard;- ah.. and so. Oh wait a minute. Last gigs. They both died didn’t they.?
Red; Yes, shortly afterwards.
Bernard;- Have you thought of maybe supporting Ed Sheeran??
Red; I did write to Emma Bunton seeing if she needed any support.
Bernard; Moving swiftly on….What about PJ Harvey? Didn’t you play with her once?
Red;- Yes indeed I was on the same album in the same studio. Playing my accordion. The one my grandad brought back from Nazi Germany. It was a nice red one. Hitler closed down that accordion workshop and turned it into a munitions factory. Probably the worse thing he ever did.
Bernard;- Yes that reminds me, how is the fight against anti-semitism in the Labour Party going?
Red;- Not a single incident of anti Semitism in the local party at all.
Bernard;- Ah, so local Jewish members are all very happy then?
Red;-…Jewish members?
Red Smed has a sit down
Bernard;- Oh. I see. Moving swiftly on. Can you get us an interview with PJ Harvey? Do you remember the last thing you said to her?
Red; Oh yes. Very clearly. I said, "is this Johns house?
Bernard;- Ah, and then she said..
Red;- Well, nothing. That was it. It WAS Johns house. I went in and saw John.
Bernard;- Ok, right look. What we are looking for is some celebrity interview. We thought you might be able to help.
Red: You did?
Bernard;- I’ve been told that your mother taught Mel B to dance.
Red; Mel B from the Spice Girls?
Bernard;- No, Mel B from Alas Smith and Jones!
Red;- I thought that was Mel S.
Bernard ;No, that’s a small village in North Somerset near Frome
Red;- Siegfried Sassoon is buried there.
Bernard;- Ah right the famous war poet so…oh, right , buried…so also dead then..
Red;-I really do hope so…
Red Smed finds a third shoe
Bernard;- Do you know Mel B?
Red; No.
Bernard; Right. Do you know ANY body famous?
Red;- Does Diane Abbot count?
Bernard;- I think you’re setting up your own punchlines now….
Red Would you like a cheese sandwich?
Bernard; No. Now, about Quayside festival..
Red Whats that?
Bernard;- Its where you're playing this weekend
Red; Is it? I’ve got down ‘haircut’ and ‘feed cat’ in my diary.
Bernard;- You feed your cat ‘hair’?
Red We’re not savages you know.
Bernard;- So..Quayside Festival. This is a major new festival in the Bridgwater calander
Red Yes
Bernard  Which, er has been going for just 3 years
Red yes
Bernard; you don’t have to keep saying yes
Red No
Red Smed finds a box of toy dinosaurs
Bernard The Quayside festival is on Saturday 20th July. When will you be playing?
Red Friday the 19th
Bernard That’s not part of Quayside festival.
Red No
Bernard  And WHERE will you be playing on SATURDAY 20th??
Red West Bagborough
Bernard That’s NOT in Bridgwater
Red Well neither’s Los Angeles.
Bernard You surprise me. So what will you be playing?
Red The guitar
Bernard;- Oh, not the accordion then?
Red What accordion?
Bernard;- The one you’re holding..
Red;- Oh, bloody hell, I wondered where that went….
Bernard;- Right that’s it…give me that…..
(at this point the tape recording descended into a series of barely audible screams and sounds of wanton mechanical destruction.)
Big Arthur;- When the tape was found in the burnt down apartment we managed to transcribe what remained for posterity and it is now stored in the Bridgwater Music Hall of Famousness and Interestingness. Alongside similar tapes by Fred Wedlock and Joe Strummer. Plus a blank sheet of paper with only the words "Ed Sheeran?" written on it...

The Quayside festival really is happening this weekend for proof click here
The main band performing at various gigs is THE LOREANS. click here
To find out more about twinning week click here
Red Smed will be on stage with THE DAVE THE MILKMAN BIG BAND (see below)




Friday, 31 May 2019

IF EVERYBODY HAD AN OCEAN...Well, we'd all drown wouldn't we


ITALIAN RETRO-SURF SENSATIONS
‘THE LOREANS’
TOUR SOMERSET SUMMER 2019

“The Lorean’s” are an Italian rock n roll band from the Anzio region of Lazio. Formed during the winter of 2015 they are aiming to “bring back the vibes of the 60’s and light up the coast”. Their original target was the Anzio coast (where British troops famously landed in 1944 during world war two) but now they are bringing their ‘surfs’ up’ music to the ‘west Coast’. Of England. Somerset in fact. Where they will be doing a 4 day tour taking in some of the tops venues in the Bridgwater area. And that INCLUDES West Bagborough Village Hall!!
Andrea Pucillo, lead vocalist of The Loreans says “ Our musical repertoire is about rock ‘n roll, beat and surf rock sounds with the recent addition of some psychedelic rock pieces. Our setlist features artists such as “The Beatles”, “The Beach Boys”, “The Doors”, “Elvis Presley” and so much more.The band’s name is a tribute and a reference to the movie “Back to the future”, because, as for the De Lorean, we travel back in time!”

So, you can judge for yourselves by catching up with the SurfSwingingItalians at any of the following gigs.

Friday 19th July 
BRIDGWATER ARTS CENTRE (part of Bridgwater Twinning Party and also featuring the Dave the Milkman Big Band)  7.30-11pm
Saturday 20th July 
WEST BAGBOROUGH VILLAGE HALL 7.30-11pm
Sunday 21st July 
PEBBLES INN at WATCHET 3-5pm
Monday 22nd July 
BAR BRUNEL, BRIDGWATER 8-11pm

The Lorean’s are:
Andrea Pucillo: rhythm guitar, vocals
Marco Negro: lead guitar, vocals
Luca Pianconi: drums, vocals
Gianfranco Bernacchia: bass, vocals
Eugenio Di Corinto: keyboards, vocals

AND IF YOU'RE LUCKY...AND LUCKY IS NOT NECESSARILY THE WORD....THEN THE 'DAVE THE MILKMAN BIG BAND' WILL ALSO BE PLAYING SOME  OF THESE GIGS

See full Czech tour report here

Monday, 28 January 2019

You Think Country and Rap don't work together? Come and see Gangstagrass.

For the next couple of weeks I will be tour manager for the American band Gangstagrass and if you're anywhere near their tour route I'd suggest you dropped into a gig. Gangstagrass blend Hip-hop percussion and  bluegrass instrumentation with rap vocals and country backing. How does that work?? Better than anyone could imagine with "Banjo arpeggios and Fiddle flourishes tucked between  rapped verses, creating a bridge between two seemingly disparate genres." And that last quote wasn't me it was in Rolling Stone where one of their songs has been voted into the top 10 of all time influential country songs. So that's a recommendation in itself.

I took this lot on a tour in 2016. At that time it was the UK and Holland. Donald Trump had just been elected and they were embarrassed. Bernie Sanders supporters to a man. And woman. It's almost 3 years later and it'll be interesting to know what they think now....

If this lot don't sum up what's best about Americana then I don't know what does. Maybe someone will cross Rage against the Machine with the Everly Brothers one day and that'll be that.

Tour itenary

The tour takes us from London on 29th January where they're playing the American Festival in Hackney (at the Nightales) along with a host of other US bands to Portsmouth, Wedgewood Rooms on Jan 30th then down to the Pheonix in Exeter on31st.

By February they're up country. Well, Bristol. Where they play the Thekla on Feb 1st and Oxford 02 Academy on Feb 2nd then up to Manchester Band on the Wall on Feb 3.

Hopefully hitting Scotland before the snow does, they'll be at the Inchyra Arts Centre on Feb 5th and Glasgow Hug and Pint on Feb 6th.

Back to England it's Newcastle the Cluny on Feb 7th and Birmingham 02 institute 3 on Feb 8th winding up at the Garage on Highbury corner back in London on Feb 9th.

Rench yourself off your sofa

I'll be there. And so should you be Dave. Dave? Where's Dave gone. Bloody hell.

Red Smed




Tuesday, 7 August 2018

We are Quite Literally All Going on a Summer Holiday

Many years ago, when the earth was young and the Czech Republic hadn't even been invented, we sent a jolly band of musicians off to discover the former Czechoslovakia. Which of course was at that time, the current Czechoslovakia. Which of course is now the Czech Republic. And Wales. 10 people went out, only 8 returned. 2 are still there. Good. But that was then. This is now. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Unless you're reading this on a Wednesday in which case, well work it out for yourself.

Brian 'Red Smed' Smedley explains to a TV crew why he WILL 
take a band to the Czech republic and nothing they say will stop him
In 1992 we toured Prague and Uherske Hradiste.

We scraped together a pop group. In much the same way Cliff Richard might have done.

Then we learnt some songs.

Then we got ourselves a bus.

Then we drove it across Europe having wacky adventures on the way.

Who can forget the teacake incident in Frankfurt, the 'oh no it's a canal' incident in Amsterdam and of course the running down an old lady in Liege court case.

Yes 2 of our members never came back. One  married a Czech policewoman and the other's a certified nutjob.

Twats

So now it's 2018 (checks watch) . Yes! And we're doing it again. We're off to see the wizard. Well, we're following the yellow brick road. Or the Autobahn 4 to Koln then A3 to Nurnburg then diverting slightly off towards Rozvadov and all points Czech. So we needed a band.

A Summer Holiday tribute wouldn't be worth it's weight in haddock if it didn't include lapsed catholic and lapsed communist Red Smed. The only surviving member from the original tour. Smed was a particularly hard task master and had them all shot. Red Smed has been described as 'a bit on the fat side', 'should learn to play the guitar a bit better' and 'speaks Czech like a Bulgarian'. On lead guitar ladies and gentleman its the Fat Bopper himself.

Click here to see why Red Smed is 'Too Fat to Rock'

A Bit Bonkers

Yvette, has music written all through her
Singing sensation Yvette Staelens has sung in choirs, close harmony folk ensembles and petrol stations the world over. The leader of the 'Voice of the People Community Choir' which has toured every single European country , and that includes Cornwall, Yvette has an onstage personality described as 'on stage'. Her Hammer horror tribute act 'the Tribe of Boris' was unfortunately accidentally invited to play last years Conservative party conference due to a misunderstanding and, sadly, exploded. Disappointingly no one was hurt.

Drummer Ted 'Ted' Franklin has played in every band in the wider Wiveliscombe area including many that have yet to be formed and several that were arrested after the first chorus. Ted's drum style has been described as 'a bit drummy'. As has his haircut. People will remember top British acts such as the Beatles, the Stones, the Who and Uncle Freds Lucky Tandem.  Ted remembers them too.

Milk

Dave, a milkman
The star of the show. And of any show where he's the only artiste performing, is Dave the Milkman. Dave -a milkman, has been delivering milk for 40 years man and boy. Depending on what he feels like each morning. Dave decided to call this band the Dave the Milkman Big Band as Czechs will probably have never heard of milkmen (nb - people who deliver milk to your house) and his vast knowledge of milk related anecdotes always go down well at a dinner table. Especially when Dave is dining alone. Dave is not just a milkman, although in England that's somewhere between Duke and Taxi Driver on the social scale, he's also a singer -guitarist who knows every song that Gilbert O Sullivan ever wrote. And thankfully has never played any of them.

Martin Lauer
is a Czech session bassist who has never met any of the above in his life but having recently returned from studying sand in Indonesia he found he had nothing left to live for. Tossing a coin one day he opted for giving music one more chance. A good choice as the second option, sticking a Kalashnikov in his mouth, would have probably not looked great at the local Job centre.

The 'Dave the Milkman Big Band' will be in the Czech Republic from 22nd-26 August and back in England 'pretty quickly' afterwards.....





Thursday, 28 December 2017

The Red Smed Snogbook (sic)

Click on the link to click on the link. And see what happens.
I

Special Bonus feature ;Red Smed at the Engine Room reading the CLASH DAY Proclamation twinning Bridgwater with  Seattle USA
 


Partisan Song continues at top as Red Smed once more tops his own hit parade

Totally non paintshopped photo of Red Smed as an actual Partisan
Yes it's 2017 but it won;t be for long. And it's that time of year when your girlfriend would rather watch 'Love Actually' than 'Zulu' so it's surely time to focus on that crucial question of how the Red Smed Hit Parade has been doing.

In there at Number 1 for the 10th year running is the Red Smed instrumental 'The Partisan Song' with 375,141 hits, legally defined as 'a twatload' and at number 2 it's , well, actually the whole top 10 are the same as ever. But...the good news, is there's a load of new songs up there in cyber space, so why not check out some of the other ones? Why not? There's a question.

Song
Artiste
Composer
2016
2017
Red Smed
Trad
323,867
375,141
Red Smed
Trad
5,739
6,226
Red Smed
Smedley
4,118
5,915
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley
1,762
2,009
Club Whoopee
Trad
1,177
1,440
Red Smed
Smedley
1,015
1,337
Red Smed
Smedley/Newman
929
1,045
Red Smed
Smedley
683
860
Red Smed
Smedley/Newman
570
801
Red Smed
Smedley/Kane
586
778
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley/Newton
534
710
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley
505
661
The Sedgemorons
Smedley/Beasley
155
650
Red Smed
Smedley
280
566
The Visitors
Bartlett
423
563
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley
356
467
Club Whoopee
Smedley/Newman
276
437
Club Whoopee
Trad
375
435
Red Smed
Smedley/Beasley/Fraser/Bruce
353
421
Red Smed
trad
300
416
Red Smed
Trad
262
386
The Spanners
Smedley/Vernon
268
366
Red Smed
Smedley
292
358
Red Smed
Smedley
253
333
Red Smed
Smedley/Beasley/Fraser/Bruce
230
322
The Sedgemorons
Smedley
212
303
Red Smed
Smedley
159
289
Drop Dead Darling
The Sedgemorons
Smedley/Kane

285
Red Smed
Smedley/Kane
173
282
Sin and Sodomy
Club Whoopee
Mander/Smedley

219
Rock n Roll is Pretty Exciting
Red Smed
Smedley/Beasley/Fraser/Bruce

216
Stalin was a really nice bloke
The Spanners
Smedley

206
Red Smed
Smedley
119
197
Red Smed
Smedley
107
188
Clever Students
Dangerous Brothers
Smedley

167
Rhapsody in Westover
Red Smed
Smedley

148
Internal Organs
Dangerous Brothers
Rude

144
I Hope you Die
The Funbunnies
Newman/Smedley

115
Sands of Morocco
The Visitors
Bartlett

109
Dave the Snooker Table
Sheep worrying Theatre
Smedley/Vernon

83
Bad Sir Bastard
Sheep Worrying Theatre
Smedley

71
We’ll be in love forever
Sheep Worrying Theatre
Smedley/Macausland

67
Dancing Shoes
Red Smed
Trad arr Smedley

53
Leon Trotsky
The Sedgemorons
Smedley

28
Smalltown
The Sedgemorons
Dixey/Smedley

26
Women only
The Sedgemorons
Dixey/Smedley

22
Rock n Roll is Pretty Exciting
The Sedgemorons
Smedley/Beasley/Fraser/Bruce

13