Not everything in life is simple. Red Smed, however, is. And to prove it this blog has been set up to take you deep into his deranged socialist utopia where Lenin was quite a nice bloke, , Bridgwater has been renamed Parretgrad , every home has to display a portrait of Jake Thackray and Leeds United are at the top of the premier league.

Tuesday, 7 August 2018

We are Quite Literally All Going on a Summer Holiday

Many years ago, when the earth was young and the Czech Republic hadn't even been invented, we sent a jolly band of musicians off to discover the former Czechoslovakia. Which of course was at that time, the current Czechoslovakia. Which of course is now the Czech Republic. And Wales. 10 people went out, only 8 returned. 2 are still there. Good. But that was then. This is now. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Unless you're reading this on a Wednesday in which case, well work it out for yourself.

Brian 'Red Smed' Smedley explains to a TV crew why he WILL 
take a band to the Czech republic and nothing they say will stop him
In 1992 we toured Prague and Uherske Hradiste.

We scraped together a pop group. In much the same way Cliff Richard might have done.

Then we learnt some songs.

Then we got ourselves a bus.

Then we drove it across Europe having wacky adventures on the way.

Who can forget the teacake incident in Frankfurt, the 'oh no it's a canal' incident in Amsterdam and of course the running down an old lady in Liege court case.

Yes 2 of our members never came back. One  married a Czech policewoman and the other's a certified nutjob.

Twats

So now it's 2018 (checks watch) . Yes! And we're doing it again. We're off to see the wizard. Well, we're following the yellow brick road. Or the Autobahn 4 to Koln then A3 to Nurnburg then diverting slightly off towards Rozvadov and all points Czech. So we needed a band.

A Summer Holiday tribute wouldn't be worth it's weight in haddock if it didn't include lapsed catholic and lapsed communist Red Smed. The only surviving member from the original tour. Smed was a particularly hard task master and had them all shot. Red Smed has been described as 'a bit on the fat side', 'should learn to play the guitar a bit better' and 'speaks Czech like a Bulgarian'. On lead guitar ladies and gentleman its the Fat Bopper himself.

Click here to see why Red Smed is 'Too Fat to Rock'

A Bit Bonkers

Yvette, has music written all through her
Singing sensation Yvette Staelens has sung in choirs, close harmony folk ensembles and petrol stations the world over. The leader of the 'Voice of the People Community Choir' which has toured every single European country , and that includes Cornwall, Yvette has an onstage personality described as 'on stage'. Her Hammer horror tribute act 'the Tribe of Boris' was unfortunately accidentally invited to play last years Conservative party conference due to a misunderstanding and, sadly, exploded. Disappointingly no one was hurt.

Drummer Ted 'Ted' Franklin has played in every band in the wider Wiveliscombe area including many that have yet to be formed and several that were arrested after the first chorus. Ted's drum style has been described as 'a bit drummy'. As has his haircut. People will remember top British acts such as the Beatles, the Stones, the Who and Uncle Freds Lucky Tandem.  Ted remembers them too.

Milk

Dave, a milkman
The star of the show. And of any show where he's the only artiste performing, is Dave the Milkman. Dave -a milkman, has been delivering milk for 40 years man and boy. Depending on what he feels like each morning. Dave decided to call this band the Dave the Milkman Big Band as Czechs will probably have never heard of milkmen (nb - people who deliver milk to your house) and his vast knowledge of milk related anecdotes always go down well at a dinner table. Especially when Dave is dining alone. Dave is not just a milkman, although in England that's somewhere between Duke and Taxi Driver on the social scale, he's also a singer -guitarist who knows every song that Gilbert O Sullivan ever wrote. And thankfully has never played any of them.

Martin Lauer
is a Czech session bassist who has never met any of the above in his life but having recently returned from studying sand in Indonesia he found he had nothing left to live for. Tossing a coin one day he opted for giving music one more chance. A good choice as the second option, sticking a Kalashnikov in his mouth, would have probably not looked great at the local Job centre.

The 'Dave the Milkman Big Band' will be in the Czech Republic from 22nd-26 August and back in England 'pretty quickly' afterwards.....





1 comment:

  1. Před mnoha a mnoha lety, kdy byla Země ještě mladá a Česká republika ještě nebyla vynalezena, neznámé město Bridgwater ležící v hrabství Somerset vyslalo bandu potrhlých muzikantů, aby objevili tehdejší Československo. Odjelo nás deset a vrátilo se jen osm. Dva tam stále žijí. To bylo kdysi dávno. Nyní se píše rok 2018 a jdeme do toho znovu!

    Pocta letním prázdninám by stála leda tak za zlámanou grešli, kdyby na ní chyběl pokleslý katolík a komunista, kytarista a zpěvák Red Smed (Brian Smedley), jediný přeživší člen sestavy z z původního turné. Další člen kapely, senzační zpěvačka Yvette Staelens zpívala ve sborech, folkových formacích s dosti omezenou harmonií a na benzínových pumpách po celém světě. Bubeník Ted „Ted“ Franklin hrál snad ve všech kapelách okolo Wiweliscombe, včetně těch, které se teprve musí zformovat, a těch, jejichž členy policie pozatýkala po prvním refrénu. Hvězda naší show a jakékoliv show, na které je tím jediným vystupujícím, je Dave the Milkman. Dave - profesí mlékař - roznáší mléko už 40 let! Dave se rozhodl kapelu nazvat The Dave the Milkman Big Band, jelikož většina Čechů nejspíš vůbec netuší, co jsou mlékaři zač a co dělaji. (Jsou to lidé, kteří roznášejí mléko po domech). Dave je ale zároveň i zpěvák a kytarista, jenž zná všechny písně, které kdy napsal Gilbert O Sullivan. A díky bohu žádnou z nich nikdy nezahrál. Martin Lauer je studiový basista, jenž se sice s žádnou z výše uvedených osob (až na Briana) nikdy nesetkal, ale jelikož teď nemá, co na práci, řekl si, že dá ještě hudbě jednu poslední šanci a šel do toho s nimi. Tedy terpve půjde...

    Velkolepé turné, v rámci něhož kapela vystoupí 23.8. po boku The Villains v klubu Bar/ák bude probíhat od 22. do 26. srpna v Praze a v Uherském Hradišti.

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