Not everything in life is simple. Red Smed, however, is. And to prove it this blog has been set up to take you deep into his deranged socialist utopia where Lenin was quite a nice bloke, , Bridgwater has been renamed Parretgrad , every home has to display a portrait of Jake Thackray and Leeds United are at the top of the premier league.

Thursday 18 July 2019

Red Smed-Interview with a Rock Legend

Red Smed with Joe Strummer

Today is the last day of normality in Bridgwater before the town goes hamster dropping crazy with its ground-breaking. Quayside Festival. Ground-breaking largely in the sense that they’ve dug up Fore street in order to replace some street furniture there and haven’t quite finished it. One of the musicians performing at this years Quayside is town council leader and fat local communist Red Smed. We asked him if he knew any rock legends we could interview.  Sadly he didn’t. But he gave us this interview instead.

Red Smed has a cup of tea
Bernard; When did you first play music?
Red;- Well, I’d just had my bowl of muesli, I had some lovely almond milk on it and a drop of honey, I turned on radio 4 to listen to the shipping forecast, in case I ended up in some sea faring mishap later in the day and then I picked up my guitar and strummed the first few chords to that new Ramstein song then..
Bernard;- No, not when today, when actually did you first play….? Are you listening? And can you stop eating those crisps while you’re talking please.
Red;- I’d say it was in the mid 50s.
Bernard:- But you weren’t even born then.
Red;- I went to catholic school
Bernard;- I’m sorry, I should have realised.
Red; Would you like a doughnut?
Bernard;- No. Now we’re looking for some famous musicians to interview.
Red; What about me?
Bernard; Yes exactly. Do you know any famous musicians we could interview??
Red;- I did play at the last gigs played by Joe Strummer and also Fred Wedlock. Icons of the punk scene.
Red Smed looks for something
Bernard;- ah.. and so. Oh wait a minute. Last gigs. They both died didn’t they.?
Red; Yes, shortly afterwards.
Bernard;- Have you thought of maybe supporting Ed Sheeran??
Red; I did write to Emma Bunton seeing if she needed any support.
Bernard; Moving swiftly on….What about PJ Harvey? Didn’t you play with her once?
Red;- Yes indeed I was on the same album in the same studio. Playing my accordion. The one my grandad brought back from Nazi Germany. It was a nice red one. Hitler closed down that accordion workshop and turned it into a munitions factory. Probably the worse thing he ever did.
Bernard;- Yes that reminds me, how is the fight against anti-semitism in the Labour Party going?
Red;- Not a single incident of anti Semitism in the local party at all.
Bernard;- Ah, so local Jewish members are all very happy then?
Red;-…Jewish members?
Red Smed has a sit down
Bernard;- Oh. I see. Moving swiftly on. Can you get us an interview with PJ Harvey? Do you remember the last thing you said to her?
Red; Oh yes. Very clearly. I said, "is this Johns house?
Bernard;- Ah, and then she said..
Red;- Well, nothing. That was it. It WAS Johns house. I went in and saw John.
Bernard;- Ok, right look. What we are looking for is some celebrity interview. We thought you might be able to help.
Red: You did?
Bernard;- I’ve been told that your mother taught Mel B to dance.
Red; Mel B from the Spice Girls?
Bernard;- No, Mel B from Alas Smith and Jones!
Red;- I thought that was Mel S.
Bernard ;No, that’s a small village in North Somerset near Frome
Red;- Siegfried Sassoon is buried there.
Bernard;- Ah right the famous war poet so…oh, right , buried…so also dead then..
Red;-I really do hope so…
Red Smed finds a third shoe
Bernard;- Do you know Mel B?
Red; No.
Bernard; Right. Do you know ANY body famous?
Red;- Does Diane Abbot count?
Bernard;- I think you’re setting up your own punchlines now….
Red Would you like a cheese sandwich?
Bernard; No. Now, about Quayside festival..
Red Whats that?
Bernard;- Its where you're playing this weekend
Red; Is it? I’ve got down ‘haircut’ and ‘feed cat’ in my diary.
Bernard;- You feed your cat ‘hair’?
Red We’re not savages you know.
Bernard;- So..Quayside Festival. This is a major new festival in the Bridgwater calander
Red Yes
Bernard  Which, er has been going for just 3 years
Red yes
Bernard; you don’t have to keep saying yes
Red No
Red Smed finds a box of toy dinosaurs
Bernard The Quayside festival is on Saturday 20th July. When will you be playing?
Red Friday the 19th
Bernard That’s not part of Quayside festival.
Red No
Bernard  And WHERE will you be playing on SATURDAY 20th??
Red West Bagborough
Bernard That’s NOT in Bridgwater
Red Well neither’s Los Angeles.
Bernard You surprise me. So what will you be playing?
Red The guitar
Bernard;- Oh, not the accordion then?
Red What accordion?
Bernard;- The one you’re holding..
Red;- Oh, bloody hell, I wondered where that went….
Bernard;- Right that’s it…give me that…..
(at this point the tape recording descended into a series of barely audible screams and sounds of wanton mechanical destruction.)
Big Arthur;- When the tape was found in the burnt down apartment we managed to transcribe what remained for posterity and it is now stored in the Bridgwater Music Hall of Famousness and Interestingness. Alongside similar tapes by Fred Wedlock and Joe Strummer. Plus a blank sheet of paper with only the words "Ed Sheeran?" written on it...

The Quayside festival really is happening this weekend for proof click here
The main band performing at various gigs is THE LOREANS. click here
To find out more about twinning week click here
Red Smed will be on stage with THE DAVE THE MILKMAN BIG BAND (see below)