Red Smed with Joe Strummer |
Today is the last day of normality in Bridgwater before the
town goes hamster dropping crazy with its ground-breaking. Quayside Festival. Ground-breaking
largely in the sense that they’ve dug up Fore street in order to replace some street
furniture there and haven’t quite finished it. One of the musicians performing
at this years Quayside is town council leader and fat local communist Red Smed.
We asked him if he knew any rock legends we could interview. Sadly he didn’t. But he gave us this interview instead.
Red Smed has a cup of tea |
Bernard; When did you first play music?
Red;- Well, I’d just had my bowl of muesli, I had some
lovely almond milk on it and a drop of honey, I turned on radio 4 to listen to
the shipping forecast, in case I ended up in some sea faring mishap later in
the day and then I picked up my guitar and strummed the first few chords to
that new Ramstein song then..
Bernard;- No, not when today, when actually did you
first play….? Are you listening? And can you stop eating those crisps while you’re
talking please.
Red;- I’d say it was in the mid 50s.
Bernard:- But you weren’t even born then.
Red;- I went to catholic school
Bernard;- I’m sorry, I should have realised.
Red; Would you like a doughnut?
Bernard;- No. Now we’re looking for some famous musicians to
interview.
Red; What about me?
Bernard; Yes exactly. Do you know any famous musicians we
could interview??
Red;- I did play at the last gigs played by Joe Strummer and
also Fred Wedlock. Icons of the punk scene.
Red Smed looks for something |
Bernard;- ah.. and so. Oh wait a minute. Last gigs. They
both died didn’t they.?
Red; Yes, shortly afterwards.
Bernard;- Have you thought of maybe supporting Ed Sheeran??
Red; I did write to Emma Bunton seeing if she needed any
support.
Bernard; Moving swiftly on….What about PJ Harvey? Didn’t you
play with her once?
Red;- Yes indeed I was on the same album in the same studio.
Playing my accordion. The one my grandad brought back from Nazi Germany. It was
a nice red one. Hitler closed down that accordion workshop and turned it into a
munitions factory. Probably the worse thing he ever did.
Bernard;- Yes that reminds me, how is the fight against anti-semitism
in the Labour Party going?
Red;- Not a single incident of anti Semitism in the local
party at all.
Bernard;- Ah, so local Jewish members are all very happy
then?
Red;-…Jewish members?
Red Smed has a sit down |
Bernard;- Oh. I see. Moving swiftly on. Can you get us an
interview with PJ Harvey? Do you remember the last thing you said to her?
Red; Oh yes. Very clearly. I said, "is this Johns house?
Bernard;- Ah, and then she said..
Red;- Well, nothing. That was it. It WAS Johns house. I went
in and saw John.
Bernard;- Ok, right look. What we are looking for is some
celebrity interview. We thought you might be able to help.
Red: You did?
Bernard;- I’ve been told that your mother taught Mel B to
dance.
Red; Mel B from the Spice Girls?
Bernard;- No, Mel B from Alas Smith and Jones!
Red;- I thought that was Mel S.
Bernard ;No, that’s a small village in North Somerset near
Frome
Red;- Siegfried Sassoon is buried there.
Bernard;- Ah right the famous war poet so…oh, right , buried…so also dead then..
Red;-I really do hope so…
Red Smed finds a third shoe |
Bernard;- Do you know Mel B?
Red; No.
Bernard; Right. Do you know ANY body famous?
Red;- Does Diane Abbot count?
Bernard;- I think you’re setting up your own punchlines now….
Red Would you like a cheese sandwich?
Bernard; No. Now, about Quayside festival..
Red Whats that?
Bernard;- Its where you're playing this weekend
Red; Is it? I’ve got down ‘haircut’ and ‘feed cat’ in my
diary.
Bernard;- You feed your cat ‘hair’?
Red We’re not savages you know.
Bernard;- So..Quayside Festival. This is a major new
festival in the Bridgwater calander
Red Yes
Bernard Which, er has
been going for just 3 years
Red yes
Bernard; you don’t have to keep saying yes
Red No
Red Smed finds a box of toy dinosaurs |
Bernard The Quayside festival is on Saturday 20th
July. When will you be playing?
Red Friday the 19th
Bernard That’s not part of Quayside festival.
Red No
Bernard And WHERE will
you be playing on SATURDAY 20th??
Red West Bagborough
Bernard That’s NOT in Bridgwater
Red Well neither’s Los Angeles.
Bernard You surprise me. So what will you be playing?
Red The guitar
Bernard;- Oh, not the accordion then?
Red What accordion?
Bernard;- The one you’re holding..
Red;- Oh, bloody hell, I wondered where that went….
Bernard;- Right that’s it…give me that…..
(at this point the tape recording descended into a series of
barely audible screams and sounds of wanton mechanical destruction.)
Big Arthur;- When the tape was found in the burnt down apartment
we managed to transcribe what remained for posterity and it is now stored in
the Bridgwater Music Hall of Famousness and Interestingness. Alongside similar tapes by
Fred Wedlock and Joe Strummer. Plus a blank sheet of paper with only the words "Ed Sheeran?" written on it...
The Quayside festival really is happening this weekend for proof click here
The main band performing at various gigs is THE LOREANS. click here
To find out more about twinning week click here
Red Smed will be on stage with THE DAVE THE MILKMAN BIG BAND (see below)